Women leaving it too late to have babies

Why this is the wrong thing to say.

This week I was walking past the newspapers in my co-working spot in soho to read the heading on the front page of The Times:

“Women leaving it too late for babies”

My heart sank.

I felt a mix of emotions: sad, frustrated and a bit angry.

It talks about a “trend of delaying motherhood” and whilst that may be the case for some women, I have worked with hundreds of women who this is absolutely not the case for. It is not a trend. It’s a painfully difficult position for women to be in when they have dreamed their whole lives of being a mum. Of getting pregnant. Of having a bump. To say this is a “trend” is deeply offensive. As if we are simply just jumping on the bandwagon and buying a ticket to Taylor Swift.

Having said that, I do realise now, after some of you pointed it out to me, that the word trend here is likely referencing the general direction in which things are changing. I think however, it was a poor choice of words for the women who find this topic a delicate one and are already stressed and anxious about their fertility.

The article goes on to say that women are “jeopardising their chances of success by waiting.” What frustrates me about this is the fact that so much of the process of having a baby is out of our control! Whether you consciously wait or not there are more factors to consider. Firstly, men! Male fertility is declining - a 2017 paper from Oxford Academic shows that there has been a 50-60% decline in sperm count between 1973 and 2011. Click here for the research.

From the conversations I have, with friends and with the women I work with, most women are not consciously choosing to wait to have their babies. There’s many other factors at play here: the pressure to be financially independent, yet on the flip side, if we are too independent, or too successful, we are no longer attractive to a man!

Obviously some women are choosing to have babies later in order to give their career a chance to get going. I find it so hypocritical that in our 20s we are told to go get the career we want and then in our 30s we are constantly asked “when are you getting married? When are you going to have a baby?” Years ago, I wanted to say to these people - ASK MY BLOODY BOYFRIEND WHEN HE IS GOING TO PROPOSE!!!!

This subject is so nuanced.

The article also mentions the fact that the age of having a first baby has gone up from 27 to 28 but where are the men in these statistics? What is driving them to wait longer? Why have men been left out of this article all together when without them, we can’t get pregnant!

I personally was a mess aged 28. I had spent my life desperate to meet someone, get married and have a baby. And that, along with other factors, ultimately led to poor choices that made me sick and unhappy. 10 years later and I know myself better, I am in a deeply loving and healthy relationship, my body is much healthier, and I know that I will be a much better mum than I could have been in my late 20s. Even though it wasn’t my choice to wait (I had no period and therefore failed to get pregnant when I was trying in my early 30s with my ex-husband) I am so glad things have ended up like they have. I would prefer to be a mum as a more settled, more grounded, less anxious, less of a mess version of myself. This is not just about having a baby, it’s about how we can show up as mums.

I also have friends who have been fantastic mums in their late 20s, which is why this subject is nuanced and not “one size fits all.” But I do think there’s something to say about the fact that the way society has brought us up has meant that a HUGE amount of women are having total meltdowns in their late 20s or early 30s. Many women realise that they have been going down a path that’s not right for them. Many women are going through break ups because they realise that society’s version of success for them just doesn’t feel right. Many women realise they deserve more from a partner rather than just settle because they are afraid of the biological clock. Many women are starting to choose themselves (by changing career, walking away from relationships, finding financial security) in the face of so much criticism, which I believe is incredibly courageous. Many women are actually walking away from the men who say they are not ready to have a baby. I have walked away from relationships twice with men who were unsure of when they wanted or if they wanted to have children. Both men told me they wanted to have kids with me and then things changed. So should we take a look at why some men are waiting longer and longer? Or why some men don’t want to commit? Or teach men the devastation that happens from “changing their minds”? I was happy to see the headline in The Telegraph: “Forget women, it’s men who are leaving it too late to have babies” as well as Sophia Money-Coutts’ article in Grazia: Women Are Being Blamed For Leaving IVF ‘Too Late’ – And That’s Bullshit.

I’m not getting at men here, I think this is a 50/50 problem. I think we need to teach women at school how to be more assertive with their boundaries and state their needs early on in a relationship. We need to be building up the confidence of women at a young age, not just feeding them more anxious thoughts with articles like this. We need to be creating strong, empowered women who are not afraid of being “too much” by saying what they want and encouraging them to have the difficult conversations early on. We could be teaching them an abundance mindset rather than one of lack - this is something that is now Scientifically proven to help you go after the things you want (The Source - Dr Tara Swart). We should be cheerleading women to realising that there are incredible men out there who are on the same page and timeline as them, that they don’t have to settle, or keep waiting until he is ready.

And we should be teaching men this work too. We should be teaching men how to find compassion and honesty in a world that is full of fickle internet connections where there is no culpability sitting behind a screen.

Honestly there is so much more I could say about this.

About the fact that it’s incredibly hard for women to “have it all” and this is something that has caused a huge amount of perfectionism, pressure and burnout. The more pressure that is put on women to “get it right”, to have a baby “before it’s too late” the more anxiety that is being thrown into the mix - deeply screwing with the heads and bodies of many wonderful women and likely to be causing more fertility problems in the long run.

About the fact that the language that is used to describe women over 35 as geriatric mothers is absolutely not ok. I was once even told I might have an incompetent cervix because I had pre-cancer cells aged 22.

About the fact that this is also a system that encourages women to take the pill - something that has wreaked havoc on the menstrual cycles of many women, including myself.

About the fact that many of my friends who have gone back to work after having a baby have suffered in their careers.

About the fact, which The Times does mention, that the cost of living is a factor in deciding when to have a baby.

About the fact that some women are being pressured into motherhood earlier than they feel ready and then are suffering from post natal depression and anxiety and then how this affects their children. Listen to a great podcast on this here.

About the fact that once a mother has given birth there is very little support offered - in the UK especially - for example, the French government subsidises up to 20 sessions of physiotherapy to help postnatal pelvic floor for all postpartum women. In Finland, mothers get sent a maternity package with clothes and health products.

About the fact that the medical solution to not having a period is to go for IVF. Why aren’t women being given therapy / advice / mentorship / lifestyle changes in order to get their periods back or to help with other fertility conditions? Why aren’t we looking at this on a much deeper level? Why aren’t we being taught more about the mind and body connection? About how our brain is wired to survive and pass on our genes rather than be fulfilled and happy? And how this causes so many of us to make really poor choices about our lives. Why aren’t we encouraged from a young age to regularly check in with ourselves to make sure we are living in alignment with our values, wants, desires and needs?

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I would like to offer something to the women out there who have not jumped on a “trend” but who have for some reason or another, like me, ended up at a place they never thought they would be. Not choosing to wait but being at a place where this is simply the reality of their situation. Having gone through a break up, or divorce, or health problems…

If this is you, I encourage you to look at why you want a baby. Because the truth is a baby won’t fix things if things are broken! A baby will not bring you happiness. It will not solve everything for you. So instead of waiting, start to look right now at how you can create a healthy, fulfilling and thriving life without one. What needs are fundamentally not being met in your life? How can you live a more healthy life that will prep you well for becoming a Mumma?

Secondly, look at what energy you feel a baby will bring you. Is it connection? Is it meaning? Is it playfulness? Is it love? And then go out into the world and start to get those things now. What creates meaning for you? What brings a sense of playfulness to you? I know it’s hard, but it’s important to keep living your life whilst you are in a place of limbo / not at the desired outcome. Watch this video with neuroscientist Dr Tara Swart.

Where you place your attention is SO important. This is everything I teach and am passionate about. So yes, whilst knowing that the biological clock is real, placing all your attention there can be incredibly harmful and anxiety inducing. So focus on the things you can control. How you show up every day. Choose to pay attention to the thoughts that keep you feeling calm. That cheerlead you along the way. Choose to spend time with people who lift you up. Who are kind and compassionate to you with what you are going through. Choose to find balance - move your body and rest the body so that it gets the nourishment it needs.

Keep your desire to have a baby in mind - whichever route you choose - whether that’s to meet someone wonderful or to go down the route of having a baby on your own, or to go down the route of IVF with a partner…. but don’t miss out on life that can bring you so much beauty in the midst of the difficulty. You are so much more than a vehicle to produce a baby. And joy can be found in the depths of pain. It’s not black and white. (I remember going through so much grief from my divorce and at the same time finding so much joy in my day to day life.)

Instead of feeling like we have failed, let’s think about how we can consciously date and meet supportive partners, let’s learn how to have the hard conversations, let’s learn how to live in alignment with our values, let’s learn how to create purpose and meaning in our lives, let’s learn how to create a mindset toolbox so that we can process difficult emotions when things get tough in life… so that if we are lucky enough to become mums, we can teach our children these wonderful things too.

This is one of the most difficult posts I have ever written. So please take the time to comment or to challenge me if you like! To let me know your experience, your thoughts, your hopes.

Big love,

Sophie x