What do my exes, singing and Padel have in common?

Needs are the route to healing.

Before we get started, this is your last chance to sign up to my FREE workshop that is happening TONIGHT!

PLUS we open The Self-Worth School for enrolment today. I am not sure when we will open enrolment again so please check it out if you have been thinking about it for a while. We have upgraded the programme so you have more on offer than ever before. Enrolment closes 25th October.

PS If you use code “COMPASS” you will get a £100 discount plus some bonuses (if you pay upfront) but I am only telling you and those joining my workshop tonight this! The code will only last until this Thursday 17th 8pm. Any questions feel free to WhatsApp me!

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I have been speaking about attachment styles the past couple of weeks and in particular the anxious and the avoidant.

Being anxiously attached in relationships

The avoidant in the relationship

I wanted to touch on needs within relationships because I really think that time and time again this is what we have to come back to in so many areas of our lives. With attachment styles it’s all about needs not being met - so we have to figure out our needs in the first place.

What my needs are will likely differ from yours. However I am going to give you my real life examples of: how my needs were not met in my relationships with my exes, why I believe I had a pattern of choosing people who didn’t treat me as well as they should have, how I didn’t meet my own needs, how I now meet my needs and how that has affected my current relationship.

What I love about understanding my needs is that I no longer feel like I am:

• Too needy

• Too much

• Too demanding

And as a result I feel:

• safe to express my needs

• safe to express when I feel hurt / a need hasn’t been met

• like my relationships in general are so much less complicated

• less resentment towards others

• fully supported and like my partner has my back, always

Let’s start by looking at past relationships

I want to ask you a few questions because it’s so much more helpful to analyse your own behaviour in your past relationships rather than analyse theirs. You will never know the true motivation behind someone else’s actions but you will be able to discover yours.

What did you avoid in your past relationships and why?

For example: I avoided the fact that my ex didn’t express his feelings and minimised it as normal even though I really wanted him to express them. I avoided the fact that I wanted more from the relationship and always downplayed my needs. I avoided the fact that there were various incompatibilities - we had different values - I really valued spending time with friends and family, he didn’t make as much effort with his.

I behaved like this because I so wanted the relationship to work out. He was also such a lovely and kind man - there were many wonderful things about being with him, and I loved him. I didn’t want to have to start again - I can say this in hindsight, not something I realised at the time. I didn’t know I could ask for more in relationships, I didn’t understand that! I guess I also didn’t feel great about myself and so didn’t have the courage to realise I deserved so much more because it was such a huge admission of not having higher standards. I also just wasn't as conscious then in terms of what’s important to me.