The story of the daughter & the ham

And my big fail as a new yoga teacher.

Hello!

I am so excited to be back, having taken August off! I have missed writing, but at the same time have had a lot of fun in Ibiza, Menorca & France. From dancing on a boat, to jumping in the pool with my 2 year old niece… it’s been a really wonderful break and I am ready for the start of term!

I always think of September as a great way to reset, to create more clarity and focus for the rest of the year ahead. Is this something you feel too?

But first…

I wanted to mention that moving forwards, Self-Worth Weekly will now be a subscription newsletter. I will still be sending out one free email a month, but the rest will be on a subscription basis. Meaning that you can pay either monthly or yearly to soak up my content on here.

I am going to be honest with you, I feel terrified writing this, because I have been writing a pretty regular newsletter since 2016 and it has always been free. But I have decided, thanks to the other Substack writers encouragement, that the energy and effort and research that goes into these posts is really no easy feat and deserves a small payment.

Now, I know there’s so much free stuff out there so why would you want to pay for what I have to say? Firstly, I know that the knowledge I have learnt through my own personal development, having spoken to and worked with some of the world’s top leaders in this area, is hugely valuable and is already transforming many lives. Secondly, I don’t want to share personal stuff on instagram so much anymore - it just doesn’t feel like the right thing for me but I would still like a space to be able to be vulnerable and open with you, as so many of you have given me the feedback that it really helps you feel seen, heard and not alone.

So for the month of September I am offering you a cheeky discounted price to get signed up:

Monthly subscription: £4 (instead of £5)

Annual subscription: £40 (instead of £50)

Click below to read more about what each subscription gives you. I’d love you to stick along for the ride, but if not no stress, stay subscribed as you will still get one free post from me a month!

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The Story of The Daughter and the Ham

Once upon a time, there was a daughter who asked her mother on a special day when a feast was being cooked:

“Mother, why do you cut the end of the ham off before you put it in the oven?”

The mum replies:

“Hmmmm I am not sure, it’s what my mother always did. Go and ask your grandmother.”

So the little girl hurries off to the village to go and find her grandmother.

“Grandma, why did you cut the end of the ham off before you put it in the oven like my mother does now?”

The grandma replies:

“You know what, I am not actually sure. Go and find your great grandmother and ask her - she always used to do it too.”

So the little girl, eager with excitement to find out the answer, rushed off to find her great grandmother and asks her the same question.

The great grandma replied:

“Aha! I used to cut the end off the ham because my oven wasn’t big enough to fit it in!”

…..

When I first heard this story, I absolutely loved it. I realised that there were so many things in my life that I believed, because I had been taught to believe in them. There were so many “rules” that I had adhered to because society was telling me to follow them. I think this was a big step in becoming more aware of my behaviour patterns, my biases, and my beliefs… and allowed me to start to consciously choose things that felt right to me.

We often do things because we were modelled a similar behaviour by our caregivers / peers / teachers but never ask the most simple question—why? We also often forget to actually ask ourselves if it’s something that feels right for us, we just go ahead and do it without being very aware.

I think part of building emotional intelligence is allowing yourself to honestly analyse whether the decisions you made in the past were good for you / helped the situation and whether you would still make the same decision today. The emotional maturity really steps into it’s own when you can do this without blaming or shaming yourself - reminding yourself that you did what you could with the tools you had at the time. Compassion and acceptance are two key holders of gaining peace with the past.

But my point is, the past can be a good starting point to figure out how to be more conscious of your thoughts, decisions and behaviours.

As Brianna Wiest says in her “101 Essays that Will Change the Way You Think”

Emotionally intelligent people don’t:

“allow their thoughts to be chosen for them. They recognise that through social conditioning and the eternal human monkey-mind, they can often be swayed by thoughts, beliefs, and mindsets that were never theirs in the first place. To combat this, they take inventory of their beliefs, reflect on their origins, and decide whether or not that frame of reference truly serves them.”

So how do we start to figure out what WE believe and how WE want to act?

Honestly, for me, it has been trial and error. I don’t think you suddenly learn to be more conscious and have it all figured out. When I started yoga and therapy (at the same time which was one powerful combination!) I didn’t suddenly know how to be more true to myself. It took time and practice.

For example, when I became a yoga teacher, I decided I would copy my other teachers and figure out which style suited me best. I tried to be more strict in class because one of the teachers I practiced with was very strict - she wanted the class to be quiet at the beginning, she asked people to leave if they had their phones in the room and she told people off if they were trying poses beyond their level.

So I gave it a go. For one class only! It was a total disaster. It just didn’t feel like me at all. I felt like a complete fraud.

Another teacher of mine would read long blogs at the beginning of the class. So I tried that too. It didn’t feel quite right, so I decided I would start the class with a short quote instead. That felt good to me.

My style developed as I taught more and more.

I asked for feedback. I fine tuned a practice that felt really right for me and I ended up with a small tribe of really loyal yogis who came to every single class - for those of you reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart, it was the 5 of you who helped me believe in myself at a bit of a fragile time in my life.

The key thing here - I decided that it was ok to fail. To mess up. To not get it quite right. To get bad feedback. To take risks. That was part of the process of me evolving into the teacher that felt right for me.

I also had some BIG failures along the way that I will never forget.

One of them - I had been given my first permanent class at a studio I loved and it really was my dream to teach there. Having been rejected after my teacher training, they told me I needed more experience, so six months later I auditioned again and they gave me a slot!

I took over from a very popular teacher for the 0630 class on a Thursday. I taught my style that I had started to really hone in on. The style that I had been practicing with my loyal tribe of yogis. I had my banging playlist (that was not a traditional yoga playlist - think Dr Dre at times!) and I felt that even though I was nervous, the class went pretty well.

Later on, I had a call from the owners who said to me: “Sophie, what happened?” I was really honest, I thought it had gone pretty well, I thought I had taught a good class. She told me people had complained about my style and that they were going to have to take the class away from me. I was gutted. Totally confused. I cried. I was in a coffee shop just about to go into another class and I was shaking with adrenaline.

Later I found out that they asked for feedback from everyone and it turned out half the class loved it, half didn't. And this was my lesson in remembering that I will not always be everyone’s cup of tea and that was ok. And that ultimately I had to stay true to my style of teaching because it felt right for me.

I eventually had 5 slots on the schedule.

I was proud that I stuck by the style that felt right for me.

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Journaling Questions

1. What have you been doing in your life just because it’s the way you have been taught? Or because it’s the way everyone does it? (A good example is always being busy - I remember feeling like being busy was something everyone just did non-stop… until I burnt out, saw that it wasn’t working for me, and valued rest more….)

2. What views / opinions do you have on things that might not be your own?

3. Where are you very rigid in your life? Do you have to make plans all the time? Do you like to be in control all the time? If you are honest, is this serving you? How could you let go a little?

4. What events can you look at in your past that you would do differently now?

5. When have you said things that might have been a bit judgemental? Or where have you joined in on gossip just because everyone else is? (Again, the key here is not to shame yourself, but to become aware of it and realise that growth / change might be helpful in this area. I used to judge people ALL THE TIME! I now realise it was because I was judging myself so harshly all the time.)

Feel free to email me your answers! selfworth@sophiedear.com

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Thank you for taking the time to read this - if you have got this far, and you have enjoyed my newsletters over the years, please do subscribe. It helps this tiny little business grow and keep transforming lives. Think of it as one less take away coffee a month! And please do spread the word, please forward this email to a loved one who might find it useful.

Big love,

Sophie

PS Next week I will be guiding you through taking an inventory of your beliefs so you can really get clear on what is subconsciously serving you / not serving you. We will also be talking about September as a new beginning.

PPS I have a free workshop coming up in October….spots are limited!